It's December 20th, five days until Christmas and I have no Christmas tree.
For me, this is huge.
I never knew a Christmas, growing up, that there was not a Christmas tree. My mom would tell my dad to go up in the attic and get the Christmas "stuff". It was always the Saturday following Thanksgiving and it's just what we did. We lived in Florida and real trees were expensive and impractical. I always wanted one, though. I always begged for one and I was always told no.
So, when I did Christmas on my own...
You guessed it. I got a real tree. No matter the cost. If it was money, time, effort, mess; it did not matter, I brought home a real Christmas tree.
Some years my real Christmas tree looked like a perfectly trimmed accessory straight from Better Homes and Gardens. The lights were hung with percision, the ornaments were color coordinated, the garland was sophisticated and I would marvel at the beauty.
One year, I went with an old fashioned theme. I hung ceramic apples, cookie cutters with yarn hangers, hand made popcorn and cranberry garland and even made the gift wrap myself. I took brown wrapping paper and stamped it with gold stencils and painted green and red accents.
Other years, when pregnancy was my condition, I hung lights, placed a gold star on top and said, "I am doing simple this year and at least the tree is up."
In 2007, when we moved 5 kids and a the contents of a five bedroom house three states in November...we had no tree that year. The first year ever. I gave myself grace with words but felt guilty and how could I possibly do this to my kids.
2008 was a year that I got back to business and a tree was erected and decorated and it felt like Christmas was back.
2009 would be the year that took a bit more effort. A newly divorced single mom on December 2nd, kids switching houses and emotions running wild; I didn't want a tree, feel like getting a tree, no money for a tree or putting up and decorating a tree. Plus, we were going out of town to celebrate with my parents before Christmas. This was definately reason to ditch the tree that year.
But I didn't.
We went to get a tree. A real Christmas tree. The cheapest one we could find. It wasn't about how it looked, just that it was green with a trunk.
We got it.
It was wrapped in the orange netting and smelled lovely. I was tired and hungry and it took all the effort I had to get it off the top of the van and into the garage. The decorating ceremonies would have to wait until the morning. The neatly bound tree would have to slumber in the garage tonight.
Well, the tree remained in the garage, never to receive a proper erection with all the trimmings. That poor little tree never realized its destiny. That tree slumbered in the orange netting making the garage fragrant for more than 2 weeks until I drug it to the dumpster. : (
Well, it's December 20th, 2010, and we have no tree. The real Christmas tree is still yet to be purchased and the artificial tree is in the attic yet to be assembled. Not wanting the real Christmas tree to suffer the ill fated demise of last year's tree, I will not even purchase one; and as for the artificial tree...
I will just let it rest another year.
The point to all my Christmas tree woes?
I just got back from a Mission Trip to Mexico and words can not describe my experience. To go on a mission trip has been a dream of mine for over 12 years, and it happened! I was there for 9 days and will go back every year that the Lord lets me.
I have been officially divorced for over a year and hate divorce and what it does to people, especially my precious children...but know that sometimes, a lot of times, the worst tragedy in your life can be the biggest blessing. I am not who I was last year. I am not who I was 2 weeks ago. I am a strong and courageous woman of God who loves out loud and is not afraid to live that way. I am not perfection but I am living.
I am living the life God chose to give me with all the "trimmings".
The life of consequence from bad choices, good choices, and indecision.
The life of choosing, most of the time, reality over fantasy and denial.
The life of overwhelming joy, pieces of debilitating sorrow and never too much laughter.
The life that expresses tear drops like a heavy down pour or a light sprinkle.
The life that sees the good, praying for my enemies while biting my tongue.
The life that has little control and has let go of organizing dollhouses in the middle of the night.
The life of living in the moment and doing it now, except for my paperwork procrastination.
The life of telling myself, family and friends the truth in love even when it's hard and it hurts.
The life of learning who I am.
The life of who I am not.
The life of loving Jesus through unanswered prayers.
The life of loving myself through unpleasant circumstances.
The life of loving my children and family through unmet expectations.
The life of loving my friends through unanswered questions.
There is no guilt this year.
There is no "have to" this year.
There is no "I have to do it for the children" this year.
There is no "it won't be the same without a tree" this year.
There is no "judgment regarding others not putting up a tree" this year.
There is no dilemma over "real or artificial" this year.
There is no "white lights or colored lights" this year.
There is no "tradition" this year.
There is no Christmas tree.
And it is more than okay!
