I just finished catching up on my Bible study from being out of town a few days. I am studying the book of Esther guided through Beth Moore’s incredible workbook that provokes much thought and invokes much Holy Spirit scripture reading, that in turn, blesses me beyond my most wildest imaginations!
I am at the part in Esther where they are celebrating. The “Today’s Treasure” was from Esther 9:19...”A day of feasting, a day of giving presents.”
Beth explains in the workbook that a more literal translation for the Hebrew word, manot , could be portion. Esther 2:9 takes this word presents and denotes it more as a special food. Beth Moore then takes us to Psalm 16: 5,6 where it reads, “You, O LORD, are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; yes, I have a good inheritance.” In this translation, Beth points out the word represents more the lot or portion, something akin to one’s destiny.
This is where I love Beth Moore Bible studies! The Lord has given her much wisdom through her hard work and disciplined study of the scripture! So, here goes: this is a quote from the Esther Bible study written by Beth Moore. She is putting Psalm 16: 5,6 in her, or our own words. “Lord, in all the chaos and crisis, all the threat and doubt, You caused my life to work out. Instead of me falling apart, the lines of my life have fallen together. Truly, I can say that You have given me a delightful inheritance.”
WOW!
I think of these words: presents, portion, special food, and lot and can not help but think of my own experience with presents, portion, special food and lot. Each word fits perfectly into my most recent experience in this seemingly, unyielding season of pain, suffering and loss. And it all falls just shy of a week before my 40th birthday.
{ A quick word about the type of “birthday” person I am. I like everyone to know it’s my birthday. I am not tight lipped about it. I will give detailed descriptions on how I want to celebrate and what presents can be most appreciated by me! I will gladly poke and prod to obtain what I most eagerly desire: to joyfully celebrate my birth with friends and family, food and fun! Now, you know. If you are a friend, or acquaintance, you may start preparing! LOL! }
I started planning for the big four o last year. I found out that my favorite country music singer was having a benefit concert on the very day of my 40th birthday. I figured it was definitely divine intervention. I bought tickets and told all my close friends to plan accordingly. When I researched it, I also discovered that the singer would be playing softball with the fans and foster kids attending the concert. WoW! I definitely knew this was going to be a terrific birthday celebration amidst a very hard time in my life.
Fast forward a bit…even with tickets in hand, I am unable to attend.
I just talked to a dear friend of mine and discussed with her my sadness over my disappointment in this “not being able to go” reality. She told me to think of my birthday celebration in terms of the success I had just attained over the past few days. I will have to explain to you what “success” she is speaking of, because, when she first made the statement, I really did not have that thought.
My friend is referring to our weekend of BOXES, WRAPPING PAPER and LABELS.
BOXES to put my possessions from 17 years of a broken marriage in.
WRAPPING PAPER that will protect everything but the hearts involved in the break down of our family. LABELS to help the movers know what stays and what goes, mine or his, the Salvation Army or back to the condo.
As my 40th birthday draws closer and my previous plans fall apart, I wish the BOXES, WRAPPING PAPER and LABELS had been for different purposes.
BOXES for a new Dooney and Bourke purse, like the one I saw the lady at Baby’s R Us carrying…gorgeous! A pretty new beach towel with polka dots and monogrammed, in my favorite colors. WRAPPING PAPER for 40 presents! LABELS to tell me which wonderful friend, relative or child to send a thank you note to.
I guess those things could happen, and they would be nice, but it wouldn’t give me the ability to
* set a table for 7 instead of 4
* drop off and pick up all 5 kids from school
* look around and see picture frames with our family in them
* go home after carpool, sit at my table in the sunny nook in my beautiful kitchen, drink my tea and do my Bible study
* see Tori’s flip flops laying on the wood floor by the back door
* look out Lily’s window and see a mature and beautiful dogwood tree
* tell Jeb to turn down his music, get off the computer or be home by dinner
* complain about how smelly Jeb’s ball uniform is, especially his socks
* decide whether to let Meghan spend the night with Tori
* watch a movie, look around, and see: Jeb laying on the floor with his feet on the entertainment system, Reagan and Lily laying on the couch together, Sarah huddled up at the end holding Baby and sucking her fingers, and Meghan deciding on where to sit after turning out all the lights and popping popcorn
* Explaining to people at the grocery store that all 5 of these kids are mine, I am old enough to have a 14 year old, Jeb is the only boy, all 4 of the girls are sisters, no one brought a friend and Lily and Sarah are not twins.
Of course, as much as I would want to have all those things back, they wouldn’t make me happy. They wouldn’t make me feel less lonely, less overwhelmed or less needy, either. And the reason I know that is because when I had all those things, I still felt all those ways.
To have this knowledge, it doesn’t make me miss all those things any less. To realize after a broken marriage and 5 kids that I kept pretty organized and controlled that it was just an illusion, doesn’t keep me from still trying to grab the wheel. To know I am turning 40 having planned a really cool and awesome celebration that I so wanted to go to but can’t, doesn’t make me feel a bit sad about the big day!
I read the scripture, though, and have hope.
I read another quote from Beth Moore,
“Satan tried to destroy you along life’s path. You’re still standing, aren’t you? Instead of falling apart, your lines are all starting to fall together. Piece by piece. Glimpse by glance. What a beautiful inheritance you have!”
Satan has tried to destroy me along life’s path.
He has tossed out the bait of moving and house hunting, finding the perfect curtains and comforters, signing up my kids for every extra-curricular activity we could afford, and even ones we could not. Friends that were so much fun to be around I chose them over Him more times than I care to remember. Church has even detoured me off God’s path a time or two. When you are too busy doing church work or even serving at church rather than to do His work for me or to serve Him it’s a plot from the enemy not your desired lot He has planned.
Still standing, though.
I have tried falling apart. I have even succeeded at times. I recall a very rough time when I had three children under 5, no one in pre-school, a nursing baby, diapers, pull ups and a bed wetter! Newly moved, no friends, a husband at work all the time, a very bad hair cut and 15 extra pounds from a baby. I wanted to fall apart. I tried to fall apart. I did, for 1 day. All I got were cranky children, a living room covered, and I mean wall to wall, with Cheerios, sticky messes, clogged toilets, a sink full of dirty dishes and things pretty much in worse shape than when I fell apart.
Piece by piece… He has wiped off the dirt, dug deep into the wound, extracted the ugly stuff, filled it up with a healing balm and given it rest where new growth can come.
Glimpse by glance is all He ever gives me, although I really want to see the “big picture.” He knows all I can handle ,is a glimpse; and He always gives it with Rhema word, dreams and visions. With a glance at my past He lets me look at the fence posts I have put up so I can measure my growth. Keeping an eye on the present, keeping a balanced tension between watching, waiting and having a willingness to go when He says go. These are my mile markers. They are the signs I see often that are clear and posted, helping me to stay on the path I need to be on. When He lets me peer into the future, it’s usually without specifics, although I have been given the “details” a time or two. I always know it’s a future with provision, peace and purpose, if I choose it.
What a beautiful inheritance I have!
I can’t help but laugh at God, like Sarah did, when I see that sentence. It brings me full circle to the BOXES, WRAPPING PAPER and LABELS. The ones I used as I packed up my very fancy suburban house.
Even driving on the interstate anticipating the exit to get off of, it reminds me of a Dr. Seuss book. It makes me think of 2 places we have lived. They were both worthy of a post card. Pleasing to the eye, lovely landscape, prestigious schools, elaborate community networking, fancy shops and malls, excellent dining options and always a Panera Bread, Target and Starbucks available.
Can you see us? Mom of 5, getting all dressed up every day to drop off at school, grocery shop, make beds, fold laundry, grab soup and salad at Panera and rushing to get to the bus stop where I would make idle chatter with other moms doing the same thing. It so reminds me of “Whoville,” with Cindy Luwho. These dressed up moms scurrying around and trying to look so put together with all our kiddos in tow. High tech strollers, fancy bikes, trykes and scooters, blonde haired ponies with matching bows, polka dotted jumpers and big blue eyes. Pretending in a make believe village waiting for a sentimental story where the hero is an odd looking green fury thing that grows his heart and changes their world. Louis Armstrong’ can be heard in everyone’s outdoor speakers singing about green trees, red roses, blue skies, white clouds, friends shaking hands and babies crying. Can’t you just see the Cat in the Hat sitting with crossed legs, eating green eggs and ham, on the whimsical bench looking in the pond with the red and blue fish?
I bet the Lord looks at us, at times, and just laughs.
I did have a beautiful house. I had several beautiful houses. I had wood floors, granite countertops, high end appliances, a bathtub with jets, a formal living room, a formal dining room, a den, a study, a powder bath, and a brick exterior with a red door and a brass door knocker.
I gave up my personal freedom and much of my self to have them.
I think my dear, sweet friend is right. I need to celebrate this birthday with the BOXES I put my left over blessings God allowed me to have for 17 years in.
The WRAPPING PAPER that protected the treasures my kids have given me over the years that are priceless and warm a mother’s heart.
And to celebrate the new LABELS in my life:
Single mom
Mom that is writing and creative again
Mom with choices and personal freedom
Mom without a cape and mask
Calmer mom
Unorganized mom
Working mom
I make mistakes and it’s okay mom
I need help mom
I don’t need to give you a reason mom
Rested mom
Boundary mom
Just say no mom
On April 18th this year I am going to let it be “a day of feasting, a day of giving presents.”
Esther 9:19
Note: At the last minute, 3 days before the event...I got to go! : ) The benefit was awesome and there were 1200 foster kids sponsered!
